When I first created this site, I was just making pages of information to share.  I actually have to sit and count now how many years it’s been since Jason died because I’ve tried not think about it as much.  But, it’s still there, hovering over me.  All I end up doing is pushing it down and hiding how I feel.  This September it will 9 years since he died.  This May 16th, Jason would have been 11 years old.  May is a tough month for me.  I’ve been in some kind of funk since last Friday.  My dad’s birthday would have been yesterday (May 3rd).  So now, May has become the month I dread.  I wait for those days to come and then wonder what I would have been doing with them.  Like yesterday, I reminisced about my dad and what he would have done or said to me on his birthday.  I always knew what to expect and what we would do.  He died 2 years ago suddenly.  No one really knows what happened to him expect he had some lung problems and COPD.

Now, I’m waiting for May 16.  I wait and wonder what Jason would be like at 11.  Would he be tall?  Would he have played sports.  I know, I know, I shouldn’t torment myself with those kinds of questions.  It’s been 9 years since he died and I should be over it right???  Yes, I’ve been told that before.  The answer, NO, I’m not over it.  It’s just as hard today, this many years later, as it was when Jason was sick and going through Chemo.  The only difference is I’m older, a little bit wiser and I’ve had time on my side to learn how to deal with it in a more productive way.  This is why I find myself starting up the journaling, again, 10 years later.  I’m still healing, I”m still grieving and I probably will be until my dying day.

So, as Jason’s birthday approaches, I think about him, dream about him and plan to go to take a trip to the cemetery to put flowers on his grave and my dad’s.  Jason and my dad are buried next to each other about an hour and a half from where I live.  So I don’t get there as often as I’d like to.  That’s a whole different story.  I think I actually avoid that place like the plague.  It’s really hard to go there.