As May 16th approaches, I find myself not really able to concentrate on anything I need to.  It’s like this every year.  The 2 weeks leading up to Jason’s birthday hang over me like a dark cloud.  I think of the things that could have been and what he would have looked like.  I decided to take out my old photo album.  I don’t have digital pictures of him.  I still had a 35mm camera.  Those were the days.  I found a picture of Jason on his first birthday when we had no idea anything was wrong with him.  That was 3 months before he was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma.  The next picture was his second birthday.  We were at the hospital.  UGH.  I remember being so mad that we had to spend a whole month in the hospital for his bone marrow transplant.  Jason was so sick (as you can see from the picture).  His mouth had sores from the chemo he was giving him.  He couldn’t eat or drink anything and was in so much pain.  I tried so hard to make his birthday nice for him.  I brought him toys and a cupcake.  He wasn’t interested in anything but me holding him.  I could start crying if I tried to replay that day in my head.  So, this year Jason would have been 11 years old.  I miss him so much.

Jason's 1st Birthday - May 16, 1999

Read the rest of this entry »

When I first created this site, I was just making pages of information to share.  I actually have to sit and count now how many years it’s been since Jason died because I’ve tried not think about it as much.  But, it’s still there, hovering over me.  All I end up doing is pushing it down and hiding how I feel.  This September it will 9 years since he died.  This May 16th, Jason would have been 11 years old.  May is a tough month for me.  I’ve been in some kind of funk since last Friday.  My dad’s birthday would have been yesterday (May 3rd).  So now, May has become the month I dread.  I wait for those days to come and then wonder what I would have been doing with them.  Like yesterday, I reminisced about my dad and what he would have done or said to me on his birthday.  I always knew what to expect and what we would do.  He died 2 years ago suddenly.  No one really knows what happened to him expect he had some lung problems and COPD.

Now, I’m waiting for May 16.  I wait and wonder what Jason would be like at 11.  Would he be tall?  Would he have played sports.  I know, I know, I shouldn’t torment myself with those kinds of questions.  It’s been 9 years since he died and I should be over it right???  Yes, I’ve been told that before.  The answer, NO, I’m not over it.  It’s just as hard today, this many years later, as it was when Jason was sick and going through Chemo.  The only difference is I’m older, a little bit wiser and I’ve had time on my side to learn how to deal with it in a more productive way.  This is why I find myself starting up the journaling, again, 10 years later.  I’m still healing, I”m still grieving and I probably will be until my dying day.

So, as Jason’s birthday approaches, I think about him, dream about him and plan to go to take a trip to the cemetery to put flowers on his grave and my dad’s.  Jason and my dad are buried next to each other about an hour and a half from where I live.  So I don’t get there as often as I’d like to.  That’s a whole different story.  I think I actually avoid that place like the plague.  It’s really hard to go there.