Now, I’m waiting for May 16.  I wait and wonder what Jason would be like at 11.  Would he be tall?  Would he have played sports.  I know, I know, I shouldn’t torment myself with those kinds of questions.  It’s been 9 years since he died and I should be over it right???  Yes, I’ve been told that before.  The answer, NO, I’m not over it.  It’s just as hard today, this many years later, as it was when Jason was sick and going through Chemo.  The only difference is I’m older, a little bit wiser and I’ve had time on my side to learn how to deal with it in a more productive way.  This is why I find myself starting up the journaling, again, 10 years later.  I’m still healing, I”m still grieving and I probably will be until my dying day.

So, as Jason’s birthday approaches, I think about him, dream about him and plan to go to take a trip to the cemetery to put flowers on his grave and my dad’s.  Jason and my dad are buried next to each other about an hour and a half from where I live.  So I don’t get there as often as I’d like to.  That’s a whole different story.  I think I actually avoid that place like the plague.  It’s really hard to go there.